Don't Look Back
by Taz Maniac
Summary: Carter spends three years in the Congo, searching for what he can never hope to find. When he returns to Chicago, things aren't exactly as he left them.
1. Moving On

Summary: Carter spends three years in the Congo, searching for what he can never hope to find. When he returns to Chicago, things aren't exactly as he left them. 

Chapter 1

"We have to tell him."

Greg shook his head definitively. "What for? So he can go back to America, and we'll be short again?"

"Greg, he needs to move on with his life. Nothing anyone says is going to change that, and he'll be stuck in this rut until he sees her."

"Why do it? And dash his hopes? As least now, he lives in his happy little world where he thinks someday, he will be reunited with his son. If we tell him, he'll realize that it's all over."

"And that's a bad thing?" Greg didn't answer. "Look, Greg, I know how much you need doctors out here. But we both know that the only reason he's here is because he's looking for her. Are you really going to be able to live with yourself if you know that she's here and you don't tell him?"

Greg shook his head in resignation. "Fine. You tell him. And when he goes home as soon as he sees her, don't say I didn't warn you."

________________________________________________

"Oh, thank you so much doctor. You have saved my son life. I owe you my life." The woman's English was broken, but her gratitude was apparent.

Carter smiled at her. "You're very welcome," He said, patting her son on the head. She smiled at him. "Now you make sure he takes the pills I gave you, okay?"

"I will. I will. Thank you doctor." The woman smiled gratefully one more time, then she left.

Carter was arranging the meager medical supplies when Debbie entered the room. He could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong. "What is it?" he asked anxiously.

"She's here" was all Debbie needed to say. Carter immediately knew who she meant.

"She's here?" he repeated, echoing her words, almost unable to believe them. After three years of searching, he had finally found her! "Where is she?"

"Staying in the village. We are picking up supplies there today." She paused for a moment. "John, she does not know you are coming. Do not be surprised if things don't turn out the way you expect them to."

But Carter's mind was made up. "Let's go," he said.

________________________________________________

No one knew where she was. Carter waited as the crew loaded the boxes with infuriating slowness. He glanced around the nearly vacant street, but there was no sign of her. That was when he noticed the baby wandering the street, seemingly alone. 

Carter approached the little boy, who was about two years old. He had chocolate brown skin and was wearing a one piece jumpsuit. His short, stubby legs propelled him along the dirt road at maximum speed.

"Hey there, little fella," Carter said, squatting so he was at the boy's level. "Where's your Mommy?"

The boy simply stared back at him. Carter realized he probably didn't speak English.

Carter looked around. He saw no woman, frantically searching for her missing toddler. Who would leave a baby out in the street like this?

"_John!_ Come here!"

Carter at first thought the woman was talking to him, but he realized that the baby had responded to the name, and was now walking towards her. His voice caught in his throat when he realized who she was. He stood and approached her, heart beating faster at the sight of her. "Kem! I've been looking for you." For three years, he thought.

Kem looked around, as if searching for a path of escape. "John. I'm...I'm so sorry about leaving like that. My mother asked me to come home to have the baby, and then...I just didn't know what to do."

"You could've called me," he said, trying his best not to sound accusing. "I just wanted to see my son."

At this, Kem looked down. Why did he get the feeling she was hiding something from him? "I...send you a letter. To your address in the states."

"I haven't been back there since you left," Carter admitted.

"Oh, John," Kem said, shaking her head woefully. "That's what I was trying to tell you. That's what I said in the letter."

"What?" Carter asked, confused.

Kem stared at him for a while, then her face hardened, as if she had made up her mind to do something. "John, this...this is my son."

As Carter stared at the little boy, his mind tried to make sense of what she was saying. But this couldn't be his son. This boy was African!

Suddenly, Carter realized what Kem had said. _My_ son. Not our son, not your son. 

"Well, where's my son?" Carter said, trying to believe what he knew wasn't true.

Kem's face was pained. "I'm sorry, John. When I found out I was pregnant, I thought it was yours, I really did. But when I gave birth, and I saw him, I knew-" Kem's voice broke off, and she quickly wiped the tears from her eyes. "Please forgive me. I had no idea that you were over here all this time looking for me."

"But you told me you were coming back to Africa! You said you were!" Carter said, sounding much like a child whining to its mother.

"I know, and I never meant to cause you this kind of inconvenience. I've been back home. My family has helped me to take care of him." Little John tugged on Kem's hand. "I better go. Goodbye, John."

And Carter, shocked by her words, could only stare after her as she walked away.

_________________________________________________________

"You knew, didn't you?"

Debbie and Greg's guilty faces were enough to answer this question.

"Why didn't you _tell _me?"

His words were angry. He was mad, and he had to take it out on someone. The one he was mad at was already gone.

No, the one he was really mad at was himself. How could he have blinded himself to this? Why had he spent three years in the Congo searching for a son he didn't even have?

"None of us knew for sure-"

"You could have at least told me you were suspicious. Maybe then I wouldn't have _wasted_ three years over here."

"You wouldn't have listened to us. You had your mind set on finding her, and nothing we could have said would have changed that."

Deep down, Carter knew she was right. Kem telling him she was pregnant had been one of the happiest moments of his life. He had gotten so excited at the thought of being a father, of taking a tiny little baby and molding them into a decent human being. He had bought baby toys; he had even had a room in the mansion decorated as a nursery. It seemed like he had been waiting for this his whole life.

And then, less that a week after they got to Chicago, Kem had left without a word. All he had was a note from her, saying she was going home to be with her family and she would be back. And that she was sorry.

He tried to find them, but it with no address, not even a name, he knew that finding them would be almost impossible. After a while, he thought that maybe she had gone back to Africa, to continue with the work she loved. So he went there too. 

He had looked and looked and looked for months, then came the awful month when he realized that the baby must have been born by now. After several more months of looking, he had resigned himself that maybe she didn't want to be found. But she had cared so much about the work she did with Doctors without Borders; maybe she would be back. So he signed back up, worked as a field doctor for months. All the while, he kept up his search for her, knowing with each passing day that his son was growing older. He was almost desperate in his search; how could she keep his child away from him like this?

It had been 33 months now since she had given birth. And now, he had seen her son. _Her_ son, not his. He had spent three years searching, and it was all for nothing.

Now, he wondered why he had wasted so much time here. And what was he supposed to do now? He couldn't stay here, continue working with these people who had seen him make such a fool of himself. Maybe it was finally time for him to go home.

____________________________________________________

"So you're really leaving us."

"I think it's time. I've spend three years over here chasing a dream. Now, I guess I need to move on with my life."

"But we need you here. You've done so much good over here; why stop now?"

"This couldn't last forever. I always said that I would be going home sometime. That time is now."

It was three weeks later that he finally left.

It felt strange, leaving the place that had become like a second home to him. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to go back to the states.

They had tried to talk him out of it. "Carter, you're one of the best doctors we're got, and you know we're short now. Couldn't you just stay for a few more weeks?"

Carter shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I've been here long enough. I need to go home."

"We'll miss you," said Debbie, hugging him briefly.

"I'll miss you too. All of you."

As he boarded the plane, they were all wondering who they would get to replace him, if anyone ever would. And Debbie was wondering if she had done the right thing in telling him about Kem's return. 

She had; she knew it. There was no point in him chasing after his imaginary son any longer. But still, she hadn't expected him response to be so drastic.

Carter leaned his head back on the seat and closed his eyes. In a few hours, he would be back home.

__________________________________________________

"DOCTOR GRANGLEY!!!"

Grangley jumped up from the gurney, banging his head on the wall. "Oh, Dr. Weaver, hello."

"What are you doing?" Weaver hissed.

"It's my break, and I-"

"You have been here for two hours, and you've spent one of those in here sleeping."

"Well, I worked late last night, and I-"

"We are SWAMPED out there!"

"I know," he said, adjusting his tie, "But I'm on break."

Weaver scowled at him. "You know what? Take all the breaks you want. In fact, you can go take a break right now, and don't bother coming back."

Grangley was flabbergasted. "Are you _firing _me?"

"I sure am. We don't need any slackers here; our work is hard enough as it is."

"But you need me!" he said, pointing to the patients lining the halls.

"You overestimate you own importance," Weaver said, leaving the room. Of course, as soon as she saw how backed up things were, she asked herself, "Where am I going to find another attending?"

It was at that moment that Carter walked in the door.

______________________________________________________________________

"Hey there, Kyle!"

"Hi Haleh!" he said, raising his hand for a high five.

Haleh slapped his palm with her own. "You're getting so big! Pretty soon, you'll be working the desk here."

"Not if I have anything to say about it," said Frank, plopping a box of donuts down on the counter. "Where's your mom, pipsqueak?"

"Lounge," Kyle said, pointing to the door.

"See, only three years old, and he already knows the place like the back of his hand!" Sam commented. "Hey, maybe _he_ can be the new attending."

"Anybody would be better than Grangley," Chuny commented.

"Oh, you guys didn't hear the news? Weaver already hired someone," Yosh said.

"Already?" Chuny checked her watch. "It's been, what, thirty minutes since Grangley left?" 

"And good thing too. Last thing we need right now it to be short an attending."

Susan burst out of the lounge. "Doctor Lewis, can you take this-"

Susan waved Gallant off. "Nope, Kyle and I are going to the movies, right?" Kyle nodded.

"We're gonna see Bugs Bunny!" Kyle said.

Sam sighed. "I wouldn't mind a little Bugs Bunny right about now. Or lower union dues, either one."

"Bye Sam, bye Chuny, bye Haleh, bye Frank!" Kyle said, waving. He prided himself on knowing the names of everyone in the ER.

"So, who's the new attending?" Chuny asked Yosh.

"You aren't going to believe this. It's-"

"CARTER!" Chuny yelled, ruining Yosh's surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you," Yosh said, exasperated. He's the new attending."

Chuny's jaw dropped. "Really? It's been what, like five years you've been gone?"

"Three," Carter corrected.

"Welcome back, Carter! So, what made you come back?" Haleh asked.

Carter shrugged, half-smiling. "This is my home. I loved working in Africa, but I always intended to come back to Chicago."

Weaver broke up the happy reunion. "I still see patients lining the hallway, so why are you all standing here talking?" she asked. The group immediately scattered. "And Carter, we need to get a few details ironed out. How soon can you start?" she asked.

"As soon as possible."

A/N: I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this story, but I figured I'd get it started so those creative juices wouldn't stagnate. If you have any comments, suggestions, etc, please leave them in the review section and I will sweep them all in a nice, tidy pile and jam them in my disk drive. Thank you. ~Taz 


	2. Thing Were So Much Simpler

Chapter 2

"Doctor Lockhart, I need you to-"

Abby put up a hand, stopping the med student in mid-sentence. "Talk to Dr. Gallant," she said, removing her stethoscope and placing in in her locker. "I am off, five hours overdue."

Sam walked into the lounge. "Oh, hi Abby. Are you off?" Abby nodded. "You want to go out and get some breakfast?"

Abby looked at the clock. It was Five AM. "Have I really been here all night?" she asked no one in particular.

"Rough shift?" Sam asked sympathetically. 

"Not that rough, just way too long. I'm going home to try and get a little sleep before the sun rises." She peeked out the window. "Oh, oh well, too late."

"Well, see you later then." Sam grabbed a jacket from her locker and left.

As Abby was clocking out, she glanced at the schedule. One name caught her eye. 

__

Carter, 7-5.

She stopped short. Carter? As in, the same Carter who had left three years ago and never returned? Abby tried to reassure herself; there were lots of Carters in the world.

Well, there was one way to find out. She would go to the one person who always knew everything that was going on in the ER.

"Hey, Chuny. You busy?"

Chuny shook her head. "I'm on my break."

Abby leaned on he counter. "So," she said, trying to sound casual, "Have you heard anything about the new attending?"

Chuny got a strange look on her face, and Abby knew what it meant. "Yeah, I have. Carter came back, and Weaver hired him on the spot." She looked at Abby's face anxiously, trying to gage her reaction.

"Really," Abby said, trying not to show any reaction. But in reality, her stomach was doing flip-flops. Carter was back? What did it mean? Had he finally decided to respond to her letters?

"Are you going to talk to him?" Chuny asked eagerly.

"I don't know," Abby said, knowing that anything she told Chuny she was telling the whole ER. "Guess I'll have to think about it."

___________________________________________________________

Abby dropped her bag on the floor and wearily plopped down on the couch. "What am I gonna do?" she asked the ceiling.

"Do about what?" asked Susan, dropping down next to her in a chair.

"Carter's back."

"Yeah, I heard."

Abby sat up to look at her. "Do you think he got my letters?"

Susan shrugged. "Why wouldn't he?"

"I don't know. But, it's been three years since I sent the first one. You'd think that, if he was coming back, he would have come back as soon as he got it." 

"Maybe he didn't know what to do."

"Or maybe he didn't care," Abby said sadly. Then, abruptly sitting up, she asked, "Where's Kyle?"

"I put him to bed. He said he was going to stay up and wait for you, but you know how that goes."

Abby checked her watch. "Well, he should be up in a few minutes," she said. Faithful as clockwork, three minutes later at exactly six o'clock, Kyle sprung out of bed and headed for the living room.

"Hi, there!" he said to Abby, eyebrows raised as if he hadn't expected to find her here. "And how was work?" he asked, holding his hand up to her face like a microphone.

"Very…exhausting. I haven't worked a shift that long since I was in med school."

Kyle nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, yes. Now a word from our sponsor!"

"You watch entirely too much TV," Susan commented as he hopped down from the couch and started acting out one of his favorite commercials. When he was done, he said, "I'm ready for breakfast now!"

Groaning, Abby removed herself from the couch. "C'mon, I'll make you some cereal."

_______________________________________________________

Carter felt like he was in a foreign land.

"A CBC and a chem 7," the med student guessed. Carter thought about how many hundreds of dollars the tests would cost. The cost of those two tests would be enough to provide treatments for an HIV victim for an entire year.

He had only been here for two days, but already, he was missing Africa. Life was different here; he had forgotten just how much.

"Doctor Carter?"

"Yes, order the tests," he said to the med student. Handing her the chart, he walked over to the next student waiting to present.

"Doctor Lockhart, the man in three is asking for you."

"Not the hypochondriac guy again?"

Chuny nodded. "This time, he thinks he has cancer."

Abby shook her head. "Give me a minute," she said.

Carter watched the exchange, fascinated. So Abby was a doctor now. He remembered how, last time he was here, she had told him she was back in med school. She had actually stuck with it! Carter had to admit he was a bit surprised.

"You ought to go and talk to her."

"Talk to who?" Carter asked dumbly.

Chuny rolled her eyes. "Maybe the person you've been staring at for the last thirty seconds?"

Carter smiled. "I'm just surprised to hear everyone calling her Dr. Lockhart. Last time I was here, she was just Abby."

"A lot's changed while you were gone," Chuny said cryptically, before heading off to attend to a patient.

_______________________________________________________

"And you have to make sure he takes the medicine this time."

"But it's yucky!" screamed the little boy, the dried tears on his face quickly replaced by fresh ones.

"I know sweetie, but would you please, please, please take the medicine this time for Mommy? Please?"

"NO!" he screamed, crawling under the exam table.

The woman smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, Doctor. He just doesn't like it. Is there any way he could take it in a less offensive form?"

"Well, we have the pills-"

"NO! I hate pills," the boy shouted from under the table.

The woman shrugged her shoulders. "You see? There's nothing I can do."

Abby stared at the woman. "Mrs. Johansen, if Tommy doesn't take his medicine he'll be back in the ER next week."

"There's nothing I can do," the woman repeated blankly. 

"Abby, you got a minute?" asked Chuny, sticking her head in the door. Abby was more than happy to leave.

"Tommy didn't take his medicine again?" Chuny guessed.

Abby sighed in frustration. "You know what? Call social services. This is the fifth time they're been here this year, and this is getting ridiculous."

Chuny nodded in agreement. "That woman needs to learn to control her kid," she agreed. "Oh, and here's the charts you asked for," she said, dumping them into her arms.

"Thanks, Chuny," Abby said, staggering under the weigh. She was headed for the lounge when she saw them.

Abby froze in the middle of the floor. Was it her? It looked like her. Abby hadn't seen her in more than three years, but she had a pretty good memory for faces.

Ducking down like a criminal, she ran into the lounge and threw the charts on the table.

"What's wrong?" asked Susan, as a chart knocked over her coffee.

"Sorry," Abby said, righting the cup, moving to grab towels to sop up the mess, trying not to think about what she had just seen.

"You didn't answer the question," Susan said, pushing her chair away from the table to avoid the dripping coffee.

"Nothing, probably. It's probably nothing," Abby repeated, massaging the coffee out of the table.

"You always come into the lounge hunched over like Quasimodo?"

Abby sighed and sat down at the table. There was no use putting it off. "I think he brought her with him."

"Who brought who with who?"

"Carter. I think he brought...her, whatever her name is with him. I guess I should have expected it, but..." Abby shrugged her shoulders, "Guess I was just hoping for the impossible."

"Well, he said he was here to stay, so it makes sense that he'd bring his family with him." Abby looked down. "Hey, don't worry, you'll think of something."

"But what am I supposed to _do_? How am I supposed to act when he brings some other kid in here, and introduces him as his son?" Abby laid her head down on the table. "I wish he had just stayed in Africa. Things were simpler then. He ignored my letters, and I pretended he didn't exist. Everyone was happy."

"Well, you knew this day would come sometime. Might as well get it over with. Have you talked to him yet?"

"Of course not. But I guess I have to." Slowly, Abby got up from the table. "Things were_ so much _simpler when he was in the Congo," she repeated.


	3. All The Mysteries Of The Universe

Chapter 3

"So you didn't do it."

"He was _gone_. What was I supposed to do, hunt him down?"

"I think someone might be avoiding something," Susan said, shaking her head at Abby.

"Kyle, use you fork, please."

"It's easier with my fingers," he said, pulling a noodle from the box and slurping it up.

"Yes, but it's also disgusting." Abby handed him the fork by his plate, and he reluctantly stuck it in his noodles.

"So, do you know if it was her?"

"Well, I heard the nurses talking about it. Chuny and Yosh both think it's her, but Haleh and Jerry think it's not."

"You know, you could just _ask_ him," Susan suggested.

"What can I say, I like living in suspense." She pulled a fortune cookie out of the bag. "Kyle, use your fork or no fortune cookie."

"Ooh, fortune cookie!" Kyle said, instantly abandoning his noodles. With Abby's help, he removed the cookie from the wrapper and broke it open.

"What's it say?" Susan asked him.

Kyle examined the paper closely. "'You are very, very pretty,'" he read.

"Funny how yours always says that," Abby said, breaking open her own cookie.

"What's it say?" Kyle asked eagerly.

"A new opportunity is coming your way," Abby read. "Wow, that's an original one. Susan?"

"Ah, my favorite part of dinner." Susan cracked the cookie open. "Oh, this one's a surprise."

"What? What's it say?" Kyle asked eagerly.

"'You are even prettier than Kyle,'" she read.

Kyle laughed. "It doesn't say that!" he said.

"The cookie doesn't lie," Susan said, placing her fortune next to her plate. "Think I'll keep this one."

"What time is it?" Kyle asked.

Susan checked her watch. "Six-thirty."

"Time for Bugs Bunny!" he said, rocketing out of his chair and heading for the living room.

"Faithful as clockwork," Abby commented.

Once he was gone, Susan asked, "So, have you seen the kid?" 

Reminded of their previous discussion, Abby shook her head. "Don't think I'm quite ready for that yet," she said. "But I guess he'll be around sometime soon."

"It's a boy?" Susan asked.

"I think so. It's been a few years, but I'm pretty sure it was a boy." In the living room, she heard Kyle's laughter over the sound of Bugs Bunny's voice. She would have to introduce him to Carter at some point. She wasn't looking forward to that.

"Stop torturing yourself. Next time you go to work, just find him and tell him. Get those first words over with, and you can move on with your life."

Abby laughed. "I hardly think I'll be able to move on after I tell him," she reminded Susan.

"Well, okay, maybe not. But the longer you wait, the harder it will be."

"You're right," Abby admitted. "I owe it to him. I owe it to both of them."

______________________________________________________

She saw him the very next day.

It was a slow day; he was in the lounge, not doing anything in particular. When she walked in, he looked up, and an awkward silence passed between the two of them. She realized that he must be waiting for her to say something.

"Hi," she said, the result of hours of brainstorming over what she was going to say.

"Hi," he repeated.

"So...how was the Congo?" Abby said, then mentally kicked herself. _Let's see how many more dumb things I can say in the next five minutes,_ she thought.

"Interesting. A lot different than Chicago."

She waited for him to say more, but realized he was done. "What made you decide to come back?" she asked, hoping to start up a conversation.

Carter shrugged. "This is home. It always will be."

Once again, she realized he was done. Well, he wasn't going to make this easy. "So...did you, um, bring your...family with you?" Abby finally managed to say.

Carter rubbed a hand over his face. He wished he could just erase Kem from everyone's memory. He didn't want to have to tell every single person about how she had made a fool of him. It all just seemed like a horrible nightmare to him, one in which everyone had known the truth but him. 

"No, I didn't," he said, knowing Abby wouldn't pry. For now, he would leave it at that. 

"Oh." Had he left his child in Africa? Had he and his girlfriend had a fight? Where the two of them even together anymore? Abby had a thousand questions she wanted to ask, but she knew that now wasn't the time for any of them.

"Abby, the parents of the girl in three are here. They want to talk to you."

Abby nodded. "Yeah, thanks Haleh. I'll be there in a minute." She turned back to Carter, who had already returned his attention to the magazine in his lap. "I need to talk to you. My break's at three; can you get away then?"

"I'm kind of busy-" he began, knowing what she must want to talk about.

"It's very important," Abby repeated. "And it won't take up much of your time."

Something about the way she said it made him curious. Maybe it wasn't what he thought. "Okay, that's fine."

"Great," Abby said, before making her quick exit.

Then she was gone, and Carter was left with his thoughts. What did Abby want? 

He had only been here for three hours, but already he was exhausted, physically and mentally. He had forgotten how fast paced everything was here. Everyone seemed to be rushing from one patient to the next, not really caring about what they were doing. He was glad to be working a half shift; he didn't think he could last much longer.

As much as he hated to admit it, Carter didn't feel that sense of belonging that generally follows a homecoming. He felt like a visitor in a strange land, like he wasn't supposed to be here. He would give anything to go back to Africa.

Because really, what was there for him here? He had no remaining family, no friends here. Everyone acted strangely around him; conversations abruptly ceased when he entered the room. Was he that much of an outsider? Had his three years in Africa changed him that much?

They had, and he knew it. He saw through different eyes now, eyes that had seen three years of hardship and didn't take life so lightly. Being away had made him reconsider everything about his life. He realized there were certain changed he needed to made, changes that would be better for everyone concerned. He had turned over control of the Carter Foundation to his father; why let it run into the ground while he was gone? 

And then there was Abby. He wanted to do something, send her a letter at least, let her know that he was still alive, and that he was sorry for the way he had ended things between them. But he knew that it would just complicate things. Once he found Kem and his son, there would be no space in his life for Abby.

He knew that she had been a good friend to him, and that she deserved more that a letter of dismissal. But Carter knew what was most important: his responsibility to his son. His son needed a father, and he intended to be one as soon as he found Kem. His search for Kem and their son was what had driven him for all those years, even after he knew, deep down in his heart, that she didn't want to be found. But he yearned to be a father, to have his own little child to look up to him in wonderment as he explained all the mysteries of the universe. Every time he saw a child at the clinic, he wanted to remind their parents how lucky they were to have their little one there with them. 

But now he had no responsibility to his son, because it turns out he didn't have a son. Oops. Guess the joke was on him this time. Now, the only one he was responsible for was himself. It put him in an awkward position, one he hadn't been in in years. He had spent three years preparing himself to be a father, and now, he was just another doctor. 

Well, maybe it was time for him to start fresh. Kem was gone, and her child with her. There was no point in thinking about something he would never have. He'd had a life here in Chicago before, and maybe it was time to get that life back.

But did he really want to go back to the way he had been before, to be like the rest of them? They were all so oblivious, not even seeing the vast world that existed outside Chicago, and he had been just like them. They had no idea what true hardship was, what it was like to watch child after child die in your arms for lack of a $200 vaccination. He had invested every cent he could get his hands on into the work he was doing in the Congo, but it had barely made a dent. There was so much suffering, it seemed like there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Carter shook his head, as if shaking could rid it of unpleasant thoughts. Living in the Congo had made him something of a pessimist. He wasn't sure how well his new outlook would fit in at County. It seemed like now that he was back, everyone expected things to be just the way they had been when he left. But they weren't, and he didn't want them to be. He was a different man than he had been three years ago, and the people at County would just have to accept that.

Checking his watch, Carter realized that his break was over. Well, time to get back to the frantic rush that was County General.

_____________________________________________________

She could see his face pressed in the brightly lit window, and she wondered how long he had been there, waiting for her.

Though she had gotten off at five, the sun was fully set by the time she faced up the stairs to the Millers' home day care. Kyle flung the door open, already waiting for her.

"Abby! Where were you?" His tone was indignant.

"I'm sorry Kyle, I had to stay and cover for Tom. Are you ready to go?"

Kyle nodded, his arms folded. He wasn't going to forget that easily that she had made him wait.

"Are you tired?"

"No."

"Are you hungry?"

"No."

Abby squatted down so she was on his level. "Are you mad at me?"

Kyle's lower lip poked out. "You said you'd be here at five."

"I know. Weaver promised me I could get off early."

"You made me miss Bugs Bunny."

"I taped it."

Kyle's face brightened for a moment. "Really?"

"Mhmm, and we can go home and watch it, just me and you."

Kyle considered her proposition for a moment. "Okay," he finally consented, patting her hand. "Let's go home."

And just like that, she was forgiven. Taking Kyle's hand in hers, she led the way to the car.


	4. Ten Letters

Chapter 4

When Carter arrived at County, there was someone waiting for him in the lounge.

"Hi," said Kyle, jumping down from his chair. "Who're you?"

"I'm Doctor Carter. And who are you?"

Kyle thought for a moment, mulling over the name in his mind. Finally, he said, "Full name, please."

Eyebrows raised, Carter said, "John Truman Carter the third. Do I get to know your name now?"

"Kyle."

"Oh, so you're not going to tell me _your_ full name?"

Kyle gazed at him seriously. "You're a stranger," he informed Carter.

"Fair enough," Carter said. "So, what are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting for my mom. She works here." He paused, then added, "She's the chief of mergency medicine."

Carter had to admit he was surprised by the boy's declaration. So he was Kerry's son? Carter knew he must be related to someone to be hanging around in the lounge, and hadn't Kerry had a baby right before he left? Well obviously, she had. 

But before Carter could ask any more questions, Kyle had a few questions of his own. "So John, tell me," and his hand became a microphone again, "how long have you been working here? Kneel down please," he said, when he realized that his microphone wasn't even coming close to Carter's face.

With an amused smile on his face, Carter knelt like he was about to be knighted. "Well, I worked here for ten years, then I lived in Africa for three years, and I just came back here last week."

Kyle's eyes widened in amazement. Dropping his microphone, he said, "Wow! You lived in Africa? Did you see any tigers?"

"Nope, I wasn't in the jungle. I lived in a little village."

"What did you do?"

"I worked as a doctor."

"They have doctors in _Africa_?"

"Of course, where do you think all the sick people go?"

Kyle shrugged. "I don't know. I thought they lived in caves."

Carter shook his head. "Actually, Africa is a lot like here. They have cities, and amusement parks, and-"

"Do they have cars?"

"Of course they have cars!"

"What did you do there?"

A smile came to Carter's face, and he realized that this little boy was the first one to really ask him anything about Africa. He was about the same age that Carter's son would have been...

Carter didn't have a son, but this boy, looking up at him with shining, eager eyes, filled him with that same special sense of importance, the way only a child could. Well, this wasn't his son, but maybe he could impart a few of the mysteries of the universe anyway.

"Well, there was a war going on while I was there, and I..."

_________________________________________________________

"Okay, I just need to find a bed for the little boy with the earache and I can-"

"I can take it, Susan. You go home and be with your son. You've been here all day," Gallant said.

Susan cast him a grateful smile. "Thanks, Michael. I owe you one," she said, before heading to the lounge to clock out.

"What are you doing here?"

She turned to face Abby, who was looking very worried.

"What?"

"I thought you got off at three?"

Susan slowly shook her head. "No, I just got off now. Why, what's wrong?"

"I brought Kyle here at three," Abby said. "I thought you had taken him home."

Susan checked her watch. It was 4:07. "No, I just got off! Where is he?"

Abby tried to push back her fear. "I left him in the lounge. I told him you'd be there in a minute."

Susan and Abby both headed for the lounge at the same time. They burst through the door simultaneously.

"-didn't want to risk polluting the water supply, so-"

Abby stopped short. There, sitting on the couch, was Kyle. And Carter was sitting next to him.

But Carter, there was something different about him. He didn't have the same strange, world-weary expression that he had worn since he got back to Chicago. Instead, his face was animated, a storyteller entertaining a crowd of one. He stopped, however, when he saw Susan and Abby. "Oh. Hi, guys."

"This is my friend John. Guess what? He lived in AFRICA! He's not a stranger!" Kyle alerted them, lest they think he broke the rule he had been taught again and again. "He works here."

Carter didn't quite understand the looks on Susan and Abby's faces. What, did they not want him associating with Kerry's son? They couldn't possibly think he was a bad influence, could they? After all, he had worked with kids in the Congo for years. He was good with kids; he liked kids.

Abby stared at Susan, not quite sure what to make of the situation. Had Carter gotten her letters after all? Or was this just a coincidence?

"C'mon Kyle, we need to go," Susan said, shooting Abby a look that Carter didn't miss. What was going on?

"But John was telling me about when he was a doctor in Africa!" Kyle protested.

"You can talk to Car- John later," Susan said. Susan pulled Kyle out of the lounge before he could say another word.

"What was all that about?" Carter asked as soon as they were gone. But Abby didn't seem particularly interested in answering his question. Instead, she sat down next to him on the couch, twisting her hands in her lap nervously.

"Um, Carter? I've been meaning to ask...did you...get my letters?" 

He stared back at her blankly. "What letters?"

"The letters I sent you while you were in the Congo." She looked up at him.

"No. Letters? You sent me letters?"

"Ten," Abby clarified.

Ten letters! Carter's heart quickened in his chest. Abby had written to him ten times? 

"No, I never got anything."

Abby took a deep breath. "We need to talk."


	5. The Weekend

Chapter 5

Carter thought he had all these new relationships and families worked out. So he was a bit surprised to see Susan walking into the ER with what he thought was Kerry's son, and another little boy.

"Hi Chuny, hi Haleh, hi Frank, hi Macy, hi Sam, hi John!" Kyle said, beaming with pride that he had greeted everyone in sight.

"Hi Chuny," said the boy at Kyle's side, not quite up to the task.

"Hey, guys! What are you doing here, Susan? I know you're not on today," Chuny said.

Susan responded with a laugh. "Do you think I would've brought them with me if I was on? I'm just here to pick up my paycheck."

"John, remember me? I remembered you," Kyle reminded him.

"Of course I remember you, Kyle," Carter said promptly. "And who's this?" he asked, gesturing to the other little boy.

"This is Cameron." Kyle thought for a moment, then added, "He's my brother. Cam, this is John. You know, the one I told you about."

"Hi John, hi Chuny!" Cameron said cheerfully.

"Hey, Cam," Chuny said again.

"Hi Cameron, nice to meet you," Carter said. Cameron just smiled back at him. "Are you two twins?" Carter asked Kyle. The boys appeared to be about the same age.

"Of course not!" Kyle looked at Carter indignantly. "Cam's a _baby."_

"I'm not a baby," Cameron said, still smiling.

"I'm more than three months older than Cameron, and that's a long time," Kyle said, holding up three fingers to emphasize his point.

Meanwhile, Cameron's attention had drifted, and he was about to chew through the ink cartridge of a pen when Kyle snatched it front his hand. "Cameron, pay attention! He's the one from Africa, remember? He has all kind of exciting stories." Kyle paused, waiting for Carter to begin another tale.

"Well, you'll have to wait until later to hear them, cause we need to go," Susan said, paycheck in hand.

"But John was about to tell us stories!" Kyle whined.

"You can talk to him some other time. He's not going anywhere," Susan said, looking over at Carter as if to confirm her statement.

"See you later, guys."

"Bye Chuny, bye Haleh, bye Macy, bye Frank, bye Sam, bye John!" Kyle said as they walked towards the exit.

"Bye Chuny!" Cameron echoed.

"Is the weekend over yet?"

Susan checked her watch. "Not yet."

"What time will it be over?"

"Six."

"What time is it now?"

"4:40."

Kyle paced in front of her for a few more seconds. "How many more minutes?"

"Eighty."

Kyle looked disappointed. "That's a long time," he said. After a bit more pacing, he asked, "Want to play a game?"

"I'm kind of busy right now."

"But I don't have anybody else to play with," he said, lower lip sticking out pitifully.

"Cam'll be home soon," she reassured him.

"Not soon enough! Is the weekend over yet?"

"Not yet."

"What time is it?"

"4:42."

Kyle sighed in frustration. "This is taking too long," he said. "Can't we just go and pick him up now?"

"Don't you think his dad wants to spend time with him too?" Susan asked.

"No," Kyle said stubbornly.

"Well, he does. We get him for the rest of the week, so it's only fair that we share him on the weekends, right?"

Kyle shrugged. He was silent for a few more moments, then he said, "Susan?"

"Yeah?" Susan said, delaying any hope of getting her work done.

"Do you think next time I could go with him?"

Susan laid down her pen. "I don't think so. The weekend is Cam's special time with his daddy."

"But that's not fair," Kyle said sadly. "I don't get any special time with my daddy. I don't even _have_ a daddy."

"Well, you know, sometimes even if you don't _have _a daddy, you can have someone who's _like _a daddy, and it's just as much fun."

Kyle got an excited gleam in his eye. "You mean I could pick a daddy?"

"Well, I didn't say tha-"

"I think I'll pick Luka! He's like a daddy, cause's he's really big!"

"I didn't mean you could make someone-"

"Can I go to his house on weekends? And can he take me fun places and stuff?"

"Hey, wait a second! I didn't say you could pick a daddy, just that you could have someone be _LIKE_ a daddy," she said, emphasizing the word.

"Oh." A look of disappointment returned to his face. "Guess I'll just wait for a real one."

Susan wasn't sure what to say to that.

"So?"

"So _what?"_

Susan sighed impatiently. "What did he say?"

"He didn't say anything." Susan's look was more than surprised. "I didn't tell him."

"What? How could you not tell him? That was the best chance you're gonna get!"

Now it was Abby's turn to sigh. "Susan, there was a shooting in front of the hospital about two minutes after you left. I was about to tell him when we heard the gunfire."

"Oh, God. Did anyone die?"

Abby rubbed her face wearily. "Two kids and a woman. They don't even know what's it was about."

Susan shook her head. "People just get crazier every day, don't they?" She stood up from the couch. "Well, I made Kyle's favorite for dinner, spaghetti O's. You hungry?"

Abby shook her head. "Maybe I should call him."

"And tell him over the _phone_?" Susan yelled over the noise of the pots and pans she was clanging in the kitchen.

"Hmph. Maybe I'll write him a _letter,_" she said mockingly.

Susan emerged from the kitchen. "Abby," she said warningly, "Act like a big girl or you're getting a time out."

Abby smiled. "Well, he deserves it," she said in her defense. "But I _guess_ I'll tell him in person," she said dramatically.

"Tomorrow," Susan commanded.

"Tomorrow," Abby promised.

"Got a minute?"

Carter looked up from the stack of charts in front of him. "Sure, what's up?"

Abby sat down on the couch and clasped her hands. "Need to talk to you. Remember yesterday, when I told you about the letters I sent while you were in the Congo?"

"Yeah, I remember." Now she had his full attention.

"Well, in the letters, I-"

"-weak this season, cause they lost Johnson."

"What they need is to get rid of Bradley and focus on beefing up their defense! The offense can work as hard as they want, it doesn't matter, cause their defense isn't stopping anything." Malik turned, and noticed that he and Gallant weren't alone in the lounge. "Oh, hi Abby, Carter." He turned back to Gallant. "Now, they spent five million on Bradley last year. If they freed that up..." The two men left the lounge, and it was eerily silent again.

"So...what were you saying?" Carter said, turning back to Abby.

Abby had prepared a speech in advance, but Malik and Gallant interrupting her had made her forget her lines. "Oh, um...the letters, yeah, I sent you." Abby glanced around the room. "I...wanted to tell you in person, but you were already gone."

Carter's mind raced. Every time he had seen Abby in the last few days, she looked confident, sure of herself. Now, she looked anything but, eyes darting nervously around the room, hands in her lap tearing a napkin to shreds. What did she have to tell him that was important?

"You wanted to tell me what?" he prodded.

"-I wouldn't worry, she won't be here long."

"I know! She gets all flustered whenever there's a trauma. You better start looking for a replacement soon, or next thing you know, we'll be..." Haleh's words trailed off as she closed the lounge door, not seeing whoever she was looking for.

"Maybe we should go someplace quieter to talk about this," Abby said nervously.

"No; go ahead and tell me," Carter said. He walked over to the door and locked it. "There. No more interruptions. Now what were you trying to tell me?"

Abby couldn't count on herself to form intelligible sentences, so she pulled the certificate from her pocket and thrust it in his hands. "I didn't find out until after you were gone..."

Carter took one look at the paper, and immediately recognized it. It was a birth certificate. His heart skipped a beat. Why was Abby giving him a birth certificate? Was this some kind of cruel joke?

_Kyle Everett Lockhart_, it said at the top. Abby's son. Abby's son! There had to be a reason she had given it to him; could it be…? Carter's eyes raced down the page, searching, searching for what he knew couldn't possibly be there, yet he somehow hoped-

_Father_- John Truman Carter III.

He stared, his eyes unseeing. He gripped the paper like a life raft. Abby was still talking, talking about something, but her words floated into his ear and promptly exited the other. This couldn't be...was it what he thought it was?

"What...what is this?" he stammered, holding the paper towards her like an offering.

"It's our son's birth certificate," Abby said, staring at him. What would he think? Was he angry, excited, confused? Abby couldn't tell; he looked more shocked, really.

"Our son? _Ours?_ Mine and yours?" His hands were shaking now. But there would be no confusion this time; he wanted to make sure this wasn't some sort of misunderstanding.

Abby looked at him. "Yes. He was two months old when you came back with your girlfriend. I knew I should tell you, that you had a right to know, but..." Abby shook her head. "I didn't want to mess up your life. You seemed so happy with you new family."

Carter was still stunned. The news was finally sinking in. _He had a son._ "My...my son?" he said, his voice hoarse. "I have a son?" Tears came to his eyes. "How old is he?"

"40 months."

Carter sank onto the couch. All these years, he had been looking for his son, and it turned out he had just been looking in the wrong place. More than three years of his son's life, he had already missed.

Suddenly, he jumped up. He had a son! A son, the son he had wanted for so long! "I want to meet him," he said, almost desperately, standing in front of Abby, hands clasped. "Can I- can I meet him?"

Abby was staring at him strangely. "You already met him," she said slowly. "Kyle, remember?"

Carter flashed back to the child he had met just yesterday. He remembered Kyle, the cute little boy who had asked him for his full name and listened to his stories about the Congo with rapt attention. But how could he be his son?

"I thought he was Susan's son," Carter said weakly, as if Abby might be mistaken.

"No. He's my son." She paused, then added, "He's your son."

_He's your son._ How long had he been waiting to hear those words? There where so many questions he wanted to ask, but right now, there was only one that mattered.

"Can I see him?" he repeated.

Abby nodded. "Sure. He's at home." She got up and headed for the door, and Carter was right behind her.

"When did you know?"

"When you first came back from Africa, I didn't know." She shook her head. "I'm a doctor, and I was three months pregnant, but I didn't know. But we had a nasty flu virus going around then, so I thought that was what it was. I didn't figure out what the real problem was until you were already gone."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Carter asked.

"I was going to. I had a letter written and everything. But then…I got your letter."

It was hard for him to comprehend. While he had been writing her a break-up letter, she had been about to tell him that she was pregnant. If his letter had just arrived a little later…

"If my letter had come, say, a week later, would you have already mailed yours?" he asked urgently.

"I really don't know. I had it all ready to send for a week, and every day I would look at it and promise to mail it tomorrow. I guess I figured that maybe if I waited long enough, you would just come home and I could tell you in person. After I got your letter, I thought it would be easier that way. I never expected you to be gone for so long."

Carter was relentless. "So why didn't you tell me when I got back?"

"Well, after Kyle was born I wrote another letter. That one I did mail. And I just kept waiting and waiting to hear back from you."

"I never got it," Carter said, shaking his head in amazement. "I know the mail system isn't as reliable there, but I can't understand how they lost ten letters."

Abby shrugged. "When you came back, I thought it was because of the letter. I kept waiting for a chance to talk to you, and when I finally got one, I saw her there, standing next to you. At first I didn't get it, it didn't sink in. But when you handed me the sonogram-" Abby voice broke off. "You looked so happy. And I thought of Kyle's sonogram. I brought it with me; I was going to give it to you. But you beat me to the punch."

Carter shook his head. So once again, if he had just waited a little bit longer, he would have known about Kyle three years ago. He kicked himself for his stupidity. But how could he have known?

"You looked so happy, standing there with her. I didn't want to mess everything up with you two, come barging in there with my extra baby to mess up your happy family. I knew I had to tell you eventually, and I was going to," now Abby was convincing herself, "but the next thing I knew, you were gone, and I still hadn't told you. I thought maybe it would be easier in a letter, so I wrote and told you again. I figured you were just ignoring me."

"Why would I do that?"

"Well, you were doing a lot of crazy things back then. I wasn't really sure what was going on, I just knew that I had told you twice that you had a son, and you still hadn't so much as responded."

Carter was silent for a moment. "So what were the other eight letters?"

Abby smiled. "I send you pictures, told you how he was doing. I figured that even if you wanted to pretend he didn't exist, I wasn't going to let you."

"You know me better than that. How could you think that, that I would be so irresponsible?"

"Well, what was I supposed to think? All I knew was, I wrote and you didn't respond. That was all I had to go on."

Carter was slightly mad now, mad that Abby would accuse him of pretending his son didn't exist. "Even if I _were_ mad at you, I would put our differences aside for the good of our son; you know that! I would never just ride off into the sunset and abandon my own child!"

"Well, what other explanation would there be for you _never,_ over three years, responding to any of the letters I sent?"

"Abby, this was important. This was some petty little squabble between the two of us; this is about our _son, _a little boy that needs both of his parents. I don't care if you had to send a personal messenger over to Africa to make sure I knew, you should have made sure!"

"Well I'm sorry, but some of us don't have a family fortune to dip into whenever we need a little extra cash for a _personal messenger_." It was a low blow, and Abby knew it, but Carter's words had hit close to home. Why _hadn't_ she done more to assure that Carter had received her letters?

"This has nothing to do with money, Abby. It has everything to do with responsibility. You had a responsibility to make sure I knew I had a son, and you didn't."

"I did everything I could! I sent the first two letters registered mail; _someone_ got them!"

Carter faltered. "You send them registered?" he asked in a low voice.

Abby calmed down considerably. "Yes, I did, and I got a return receipt."

"Who signed it?" he asked quickly.

"I don't know, it was a name I didn't recognize."

Carter shook his head. "I never got any letters," he repeated. "But somebody did. Why didn't they give them to me?"

"I don't know," Abby said. "Look, I did everything I could to tell you about Kyle, but I guess things just didn't work out that way."

Carter didn't agree with that statement, but he didn't want to start another fight. "Let's not fight," he said.

"Fine," Abby agreed quickly, feeling like she had lost the fight. They drove the rest of the way in silence.

"And Daddy made me paper planes. He showed me how to make paper planes. Wanna know how to make a paper plane?"

Kyle shook his head. "Paper planes are for babies," he said. "And Abby already showed me how to make one."

But he didn't dampen Cam's mood. "Daddy said he's gonna take me to a play show. You know what that is? It's when-"

"I know what a playshow is," Kyle snapped, thought in reality he had no idea. "Who cares where your dumb daddy's taking you."

Cam's perpetual smile slowly faded from his face, and he began to cry. "Mommy!" he said, running into the living room. "Kyle said Daddy was dumb."

Susan picked Cam up and rubbed his back. "Don't cry, sweetie. Kyle's just feeling a little bad; he didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Kyle's not being nice," Cam said, crying pitifully on his mother's shoulder.

"I'll go and talk to him, okay?" Cam nodded peacefully, and allowed himself to be deposited on the couch.

She headed into the boys' room, where Kyle was repeatedly ramming a toy car into the wall. "Hey, Kyle," she said, placing a hand over the car. "What's the matter?"

Kyle snatched the car out of her hands. "Nothing," he said, ramming the car into the wall once again.

"Cam said you were mean to him."

"Cam's a baby." For the first time, he looked up at Susan. "Could we make Cam leave? I like you and Abby, but I'm tired of him. All he ever does is talk about his dumb daddy."

"Well, this is Cam's house too, and don't you think I'd miss him if he was gone?"

"No," Kyle said. "I'm better than him anyway. You and Abby can share me." He stopped ramming the car into the wall. "Susan, how come I don't have a daddy?"

"You do have a daddy; everyone does-"

"I DO?" Kyle yelled excitedly, jumping up from the floor. "Where is he?"

Susan froze. "Well...maybe you should ask your mom about that," she said.

"Is it Michael? Is it Luka? Is it Daniel? Is it Simon? Is it-" he was interrupted by the ringing of the doorbell.

"Oh, there she is now," Susan said with relief. Kyle raced to the door and flung it open.

"Abby! Susan said I have a-"

"KYLE! C'mere! I've got a secret to tell you!" Susan suddenly yelled. And Kyle, who loved secrets, rushed over to Susan.

Abby stared at Susan strangely, wondering what was going on. Meanwhile, Susan breathed a sigh of relief that she had delayed Kyle's question. Because there, standing in the doorway next to Abby, was Carter, and Susan knew this would be about the worst possible time for Kyle to ask that particular question.

"Um...don't ask Abby right now. Wait til Carter's gone, okay?"

Kyle frowned. "That's not a secret!" he protested. "And who's Carter?"

"I'll tell you the secret later. Just don't ask Abby about your daddy right now, okay?"

"Why not?"

Abby cleared her throat, and both Susan and Kyle turned towards her. "Hey Kyle, look who's here to see you!" she said, gesturing towards Carter.

Kyle beamed widely. "Hi, John! You came to tell me more stories?" He stated this as a fact, knowing there could be no other possible reason for Carter being in his house.

Carter smiled back. "Of course."

Kyle grabbed Carter's hand. "C'mon, I'll show you my room," he said, dragging Carter down the hall.

"You told him, didn't you?" Abby nodded. "How did he take it?"

"He was really...surprised. I think he took it pretty well, all things considered. He said he thought Kyle was your son."

Susan laughed. "Doesn't surprise me. You know Kyle, he probably told Carter he was."

Abby shook her head. "After the two mommies incident, I've learned to expect anything from Kyle."

They both frowned, remembering how Kyle had gotten himself and Cam kicked out of a Christian daycare center when he told one of his teachers he had two mommies. No matter how many times Abby had told the woman he was joking, they were just roommates, she wouldn't let Kyle re-enroll.

"So what did he say?" Susan asked eagerly.

"He asked why I hadn't told him sooner. You know what's the crazy thing? He said he never got any of my letters."

"What about the certified ones?"

Abby shrugged. "I don't know. He said he didn't get them. I hope somewhere in Africa there's not some pervert hoarding pictures of my son." Abby shuddered at the thought.

"So...what about his other son?"

"I don't know. I haven't had the courage to ask him about him yet. He told me that he didn't bring them with him, but...I don't know, maybe they're coming later." Abby sighed. "That will be...interesting."

Awkward is more like it, Susan thought. But to Abby, she said, "Well, I guess you can deal with that when it comes, right? For now, you just have to worry about Kyle."

"Yeah, and figure out how to tell him that he's had a daddy all along."


End file.
